


Endlessly

by Gabichan_96



Series: Ryuji and Akira: The Longest Confession [4]
Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Crying, Cuddling, Feelings, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Suicidal Thoughts (mentioned), for real this time!, spoilers for 7th palace, too much crying honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 13:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19133029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabichan_96/pseuds/Gabichan_96
Summary: "I- I lied to you, earlier this week. And every time I've tried to come clean, I've just made it worse. So, the truth is… do you remember that conversation we had in my room a few days ago? About… a girl I liked?""... Yeah?""There is no girl, Ryuji."The blond simply stands there, head slowly tilting to the side. "So… you made all that up? I mean, it's fine, I'm not, like, mad or anythin' but… why?""Well, I didn'tcompletelymake it up."





	Endlessly

**Author's Note:**

> "I wanna know you endlessly  
> Until the two of our minds become one  
> I wanna know you like a cowboy  
> Knows the setting sun
> 
> I had a hole in my mind, like a gun took a shot  
> You came and filled it all in, now you consume every thought  
> I had a hole in my mind, like a gun took a shot  
> You came and filled it all in, now you consume every thought
> 
> I wanna love you endlessly  
> Until my heart's in a pile of dust at the bottom of the sea  
> 'Cause every morning when I wake up  
> I crave you like my dad craves coffee
> 
> I had a hole in my mind, like a gun took a shot  
> You came and filled it all in, now you consume every thought  
> I had a hole in my mind, like a gun took a shot  
> You came and filled it all in, now you consume every thought"
> 
> -The Lonely Biscuits, "Endlessly"
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~  
> At long last, the finale of this series. This piece can be read on its own, but there are over 20k words that led up this point. I highly recommend checking those out first.
> 
> Enjoy!

Akira's lungs burn as he sprints down the hallways of the palace. A terrible cracking noise rings through the entire ship, followed by a flicker from all the lights, adding to the panic. This was always his least favorite part. He glances behind him, relieved that everyone is still close behind. _Everyone except Akechi_ , he thinks with a wave of sadness. Yesterday, Akechi chose to sacrifice himself, taking on Cognitive Akechi alone and giving them the best chance possible to make it out safely. Akira did nothing to stop him. He's failed as a leader in the most horrible way, and he'll be damned if he lets any more of his team die on this ship. 

They finally reach the railing at the edge of the deck, panting and frightened. Akira's eyes dart from place to place, searching for any indication of what to do next. It's hard to think with Futaba crying about how she can't swim. He wants to reassure her, but there's just no time. He remembers learning in one of his electives last year that sinking ships tend to turn vertical before they're pulled under, so if the ship is already tilted this far, they really only have a couple minutes. 

Makoto points to a lifeboat she's spotted out on the port bow, but Akira's relief only lasts a fraction of a second before panic digs its cold fingers into his chest again. The deck is already tilted at an impossible angle. There's no way to get to the release lever. No one can run up a smooth surface that steep. Even if they could, they would need to cross the chasm of swirling angry water between them and the deck, and if they even touch that water, the rip current from the weight of an entire ship would pull them down immediately. With every breath that claws its way in and out of his lungs, Akira feels the ship continuing to tilt under their feet. He can't think of anything else. He just can't think. They're done. His eyes are drawn to the faces of his teammates, each of them terrified. He can't bring himself to look at Ryuji until last, but when he finally does, Ryuji's brown eyes burn with determination. 

_ No. _

Akira springs forward, reaching desperately for Ryuji's arm, but before he can catch him, Ryuji utters what Akira is sure must be his last words. 

“I got this.”

All Akira can do is watch in horror as Ryuji vaults over the railing and lands in starting stance on the outside wall of the ship. With barely a second to steady himself, Ryuji starts running. He flies down the side of the building, picking up speed as he nears the water flooding the deck. His feet leave the ground and he hurtles through the air over the water, an explosion off the starboard bow illuminating his form. He sticks the landing on the other side, well above the water, and he's off again. The deck is nearly vertical by now, but he doesn't seem to be slipping at all. 

Akira notices the rest of the team has climbed out over the railing and follows them, doing his best to keep his mind empty because if he latches on to any of the thoughts buzzing in his head he'll break down right here and now. _Ryuji._ He's only got one shot. It's insane that he was able to make it this far, and if he falls there isn't enough time for him to try again. He jumps, arms outstretched, and with one yellow-gloved hand, he catches the release lever. He gets his other hand on the lever and has to pump his legs for it to finally give, dropping the boat into the water close enough that the team quickly gets everyone on board. 

Akira looks up at Ryuji, who gives him a thumbs up with a wink and a smile, making his heart twist with affection. But he's so high up- six stories, maybe seven- and now he's holding on with  _ one hand?  _

“Hang on!” Akira yells up to him, surprised his voice is working at all.

* * *

_ Look at 'em down there. They look so tiny. I guess they are pretty tiny. After all, we're still the same. Maybe we're a bit stronger, and I swear Yusuke's gotten taller since we met him, but really, we're still the same dumb kids we were when we started this whole thing. Mona's still a little sasshat. Ann's still too good lookin' to hang out with us, but it never stops her. Yusuke's still sweet but awkward. Maybe if he wasn't so tall and skinny he'd be less creepy lookin', but if boss' curry hasn't put some meat on his bones by now, I doubt it'll happen. Makoto's still OD with school, that's definitely not gonna change. Futaba's still tiny, pretty sure she'll always be, but her personality did get bigger. Haru's confidence is growin' like her flowers. And Akira… Akira hasn't changed at all. Look at him down there, speechless as usual. He's the same quiet, fluffy haired dude. Just doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. None of 'em do. That's what I love about my friends. Wow. "My friends". They really saved me. I don't think they know how true that is. I gotta tell 'em that as soon as we get out of- _

* * *

_ He's- gone? No, no, how is he gone?! He was right there! I just closed my eyes for a second after the… the blast. God, no. Okay, calm down, where could he have gone? There's only water, so he must be in the water. We can still- no. Damn it, NO! Our clothes, and there's the diet building. We're back. Oh, thank God. Okay, okay- Futaba, Mona, Ann, Makoto, Yusuke, Haru... Where's Ryuji? WHERE IS RYUJI?! … No… I still haven't told him… He has to come back, because I still have to tell him… I don't care about the damn treasure, it's not worth his life! NOTHING is worth his life!... Ryuji… It should have been me instead. I am the worst goddamn leader we could have had. Two of us never made it out of this palace. Two of us, gone, and it's no one's fault but mine. There was good in Akechi, I always knew it. Now we'll never get to see it. And Ryuji… I should have run for the boat when I had the chance. I wasn't brave enough. Ryuji is- Ryuji was always the bravest one of us. It wasn't the fame, or the adrenaline, or even the pride of knowing we we're making the world a better place. It was always him that kept me going, even before I knew I… And now… I can't. I can't do this without him. I'm not a phantom thief without Ryuji. I'm just the criminal transfer student without him… Isn't that funny; if I would have listened to everyone and left him alone, he'd still be alive right now. I'm sorry, Ryuji. I'm so- _

"Maaan, that was close. For real though, why do palaces gotta explode so much? Can't they just disappear normally?"

_ Ryuji? _

Akira blinks hard a couple times, but Ryuji is still standing there. He sounds the same. He stands a bit slouched, thumbs in his pockets, looking the same as ever. He doesn't even seem to be in any pain- well, thanks to that slap from Ann he is now if he wasn't before. The others all crowd around him, blocking him from Akira's view. After some scuffling and thumping interspersed with protests from Ryuji, the others step aside and talk about where they want to grab some food. They walk off slowly, Morgana lingering behind to stare at Ryuji where he sits on the ground slumped against a lamppost, eyes closed. Morgana turns to offer Akira a weary but relieved smile as he leaves to follow the others. 

It takes a couple more seconds for Akira's limbs to work again. He rushes over and drops to his knees beside Ryuji, taking the blond's face in his hands. There's no way the team really knocked him unconscious, right? When Ryuji cracks one eye open and laughs, Akira could almost smack him too. He can barely breathe as he takes in the sight of Ryuji alive and unscathed, aside from a small scratch on his cheek. Akira blinks back tears and smooths Ryuji's ruffled hair. There's so much he wants to say, but all words have left him. Anything he could think to say right now isn't that important anyway. Ryuji is alive. He's here. That's all that matters. Akira sniffles quietly and is blessed with Ryuji's chocolate brown eyes meeting his, looking surprised to see him crying. Ryuji straightens up where he sits, taking hold of one of Akira's wrists. 

"Akira?"

Hearing his own name from Ryuji's lips always made Akira giddy, but after spending a few agonizing minutes preparing to never hear it again, it completely breaks him. He leans down to press his forehead to Ryuji's, letting the sobs tear through him unrestrained. He loses his balance and falls awkwardly on top of Ryuji, but it doesn't matter because Ryuji is immediately wrapping his arms around him and pulling him closer, whispering to him and nuzzling him and holding him while he cries. He cries not only for Ryuji, but for the self he almost lost along with Ryuji. He cries for Akechi, for Haru's father, for Futaba's mother, for Principal Kobayakawa, and for so many hundreds of others whose names and faces he would never know. The mental shutdowns are finally over, and the finiteness of it is what makes the count of lives lost weigh heavy on Akira's heart.

"It's okay, man," Ryuji whispers into Akira's hair, holding him tighter. "Just let it out."

Sitting there holding Akira and listening to him cry like the world is ending makes the adrenaline start to wear off for Ryuji.  _ Holy shit, man. I really almost died. If I was a little closer to that explosion, or if I landed a little different on the ground- fuck. I don't wanna die now. Akira… I just know he'd blame himself. I guess it was always this dangerous, it just never really felt like it before.  _

They sit there for what feels like forever, until Akira's sobs quiet down to shaky breaths and sniffles. Akira clambers to his feet and offers Ryuji a hand. Ryuji looks up at him in awe. His nose is red and his hair is mussed, but he's still the most beautiful thing Ryuji has ever seen. After almost a year, those gray eyes are still just as deep, but somewhat less mysterious now. Ryuji knows fairly well how Akira's mind works; how he'll put others before himself to the very end, how he worries and plans and obsesses and that it's kept them alive through everything. Ryuji takes Akira's hand and stands up, his heart aching when Akira's face brightens with that familiar subtle smile he wore so many months ago on the roof at Shujin.  _ Yeah. We're definitely still the same. _

* * *

Ryuji flops down onto Akira’s bed and lets out a deep sigh. “What a long day, huh? I feel like I could sleep for a week. I'm so freakin' glad that Boss is okay, but damn, did they really have to trash the restaurant like that?”

Akira doesn’t respond, prompting Ryuji to sit up and look at him. Akira is standing in the middle of the room, one hand over his chest clutching the fabric of his shirt, a worried aura emanating off of him like a cold draft. The glare of his glasses hides his eyes, but Ryuji can feel his stare so clearly it sends a chill down his spine. 

"Hey, you okay?"

Akira swallows and speaks, slowly and quietly. "I don't… think I can sleep. Not yet. You go ahead though. I think I'll… I'm going into Mementos for a little while."

Ryuji stands up and straightens his clothes, immediately looking more energized. "You should know by now, I'm not gonna let you go by yourself," he says with a grin that makes Akira's knees weak. "I'm down for blowin' off some steam."

Akira simply smiles and takes out his phone. Ryuji closes his eyes, listening excitedly as the sounds of the city outside warp and blur, eventually changing into whistling wind and the distant roar of trains. He takes a deep breath, savoring the way the leather jumpsuit hugs his skin. With that, the tiredness is gone and he's ready to go bash some shadows in the face.

Akira keeps his eyes open the entire time, captivated enough to power through the dizziness. It feels like he's seeing Ryuji for the first time again, only this time he eagerly observes every detail from the blond's bright face to his strong legs. He watches in wonder when Ryuji opens his eyes and looks around with a smile. Regrettably, that smile falters when he meets Akira's gaze. 

"You sure you're okay, Akira? It's fine if you wanna go back. I could do some fightin' if you want, but I could sleep fine too."

Akira just stares, arms at his sides. Silent. His Joker mask leaves only his mouth to judge his expression by, but it's not much help. Lips parted, chest rising and falling with shallow breaths. 

"...Akira?"

Akira's mind struggles to formulate a sentence as Ryuji pushes up his Skull mask and walks over to him. Everything seems to move in slow motion as Ryuji gently grips his arm. Even through gloves and a jacket, the warmth of his touch makes Akira's eyes flutter closed, which makes Ryuji pull away as if he thinks he hurt him.

"Dude," Ryuji almost whispers, concern bordering on sadness filling his voice. "Please, you hafta talk to me. I wanna help you but I don't know what to do if you don't tell me."

Akira is tearing up again when he opens his eyes and looks into Ryuji's. He looks as if he's about to say something but changes his mind a couple of times.

Ryuji grips Akira's shoulders, squeezing hard enough to get his point across. "Look, man, you gotta be able to at least get a couple words out. Just start talkin', even if you think you're not makin' any sense. We'll figure it out together, okay?" 

When Akira's gaze drops with a haggard sigh, Ryuji instinctively lifts Akira's chin and steps closer to catch his eye. Akira's eyes snap onto his for a panicked instant before he pulls away and turns around, walking slowly along the tracks as he takes off his Joker mask and tugs at his black bangs. 

_ He still won't talk to me, huh? ...He's probably gonna cut me from the team. I made everyone worry tonight. I was too reckless. That's me all right: Sakamoto Ryuji, the reckless and irresponsible fuck up. I… I just wanted to do good. I wanted my friends to be safe, all of them. I didn't care what happened to me, I didn't even think about it, I just knew I was supposed to go for it and make it to that boat so they could get out safe. I just… wanted him to be proud of me. But he's the leader for a reason. He's the one who makes all the crazy shit work out for us. He does the big, important stuff the rest of us can't do. Maybe he thinks I was trying to question his leadership, but dammit, he deserves to be a leader more than anyone I've ever met. ...I guess I should apologize before I go… _

* * *

"Akira, I'm-"

"Ryuji, I-"

"Oh, s-sorry man, you go first."

"No, no, you should go first."

Ryuji sighs, pulling his Skull mask free of his blond spikes and examining it intently, turning it over in his hands. "Okay. I just wanted to say… I'm sorry. About today. I- I wasn't challenging your leadership or anything by runnin' for the boat first, I swear, I just… felt like it was what I was supposed to do. Like it was my- my purpose, or somethin' dumb like that. I dunno. But if you've been tryin' to figure out how to tell me I'm off the team, I'll save ya the trouble and just go."

Akira whirls around. "What? No, Ryuji, what are you even talking about?" He strides back toward Ryuji, tailcoat fanning out behind him. His Joker mask falls from his red-gloved fingers, disappearing in a burst of blue fire before it hits the ground. Akira grabs Ryuji's arms and laughs humorlessly. "Ryuji, you saved us today. I couldn't have asked you to do that, and I- I couldn't do it myself either. I just- I was scared. My mind just froze and I couldn't think of anything to do, but you- you _saved_ us. As a leader, I owe you my utmost gratitude. As a friend… I'm seriously glad you did it, cause I'm telling you, I don't think we would've made it out if it wasn't for you." 

Ryuji lets out a relieved chuckle and looks off to the side, a light blush coloring his cheeks. "Of course man. I'd lay down my life for you in a heartbeat, you know that."

Akira cups Ryuji's cheek, their eyes meeting again. "I do know that, Ryuji. Which is why I have to tell you something. Something I should've told you from the beginning." Akira steps back and takes a deep breath, squeezing his hands into tight fists at his sides. "I- I lied to you, earlier this week. And every time I've tried to come clean, I've just made it worse. So, the truth is… do you remember that conversation we had in my room a few days ago? About… a girl I liked?"

"... Yeah?"

"There is no girl, Ryuji."

The blond simply stands there, head slowly tilting to the side. "So… you made all that up? I mean, it's fine, I'm not, like, mad or anythin' but… why?"

"Well, I didn't  _ completely _ make it up."

"You didn't… sorry, man, I'm lost."

Akira looks around the station, chewing his lip.

_ Shit.  _ Ryuji reaches out to take hold of Akira's arms, more than a little hurt when the dark-haired boy leaps backwards out of his reach. 

"What I'm trying to say is… it's not completely made up, because I… was talking about you."

Ryuji blinks. "... Me? … I don't- I don't think I get it. You went out drinking with her. You got really fucking drunk and had me worried outta my mind! You even said her name- Ohya, right? You- you almost tried to practice  _ kissing  _ me so you could impress her! Don't think I didn't notice! Which, for the record, I woulda been fine with if I had a heads up, but anyway, how the hell could there be _no girl_?"

Akira shakes his head and chuckles. "Ryuji. I went out for a couple drinks with Ohya Ichiko. Remember? She's the reporter Mishima and I used to work with. You've actually met her."

Ryuji's face brightens with recognition. "Ohhh. Yeah, I do remember her. So you really were just catchin' up with friends?"

"Yes, I wouldn't lie to you." Akira regrets the words as soon as he says them. "Well, not about that. She and Lala-chan, the bartender at Crossroads, missed me and were wondering how I've been."

"Alright." Ryuji's relieved smile only lasts a moment before his eyes go wide. "Wait, so then what was with that… that time in the kitchen? Oh God, don't tell me you totally weren't thinkin' about kissin' me at all and now I said I woulda kissed you and it's gonna be awkward forever and-"

"Ryuji, _relax_!" 

The blond freezes and clears his throat before fixing his spiky hair and calmly hooking his thumbs into the pockets of his jumpsuit. Akira has never seen that look on his face before; nervousness, confusion and surprise all vying for dominance over his features. _What a mess_ , he thinks. This conversation has not been going as well as he'd hoped... but also not nearly as badly as it could have.

"Okay, I'm just going to start talking, and we'll make sense of it together, right?" Ryuji nods, so Akira takes a moment to center himself and continues. "Now that the mental shutdowns are over, I've been thinking about what we get out of all this. Obviously, we never became Phantom Thieves for personal gain, but we have to have something to show for it other than the pride of a good deed, right? So I started thinking: Ann is honing her confidence as person, beyond just her looks. Yusuke is getting proper recognition for the art he's creating. Makoto feels more motivated than ever to fight for real justice inside and outside of the Metaverse. Futaba is out of her room and talking to people which is a huge victory for her. Haru is really coming into her own as the next CEO of Okumura Foods. Even Morgana is finding out more about who he is every day. And I know Kamoshida put an end to your track days, which still boils my blood every time I think about it, but you have all our friends to help you stay focused, have fun, and finish high school on a good note. You'll have a world of possibilities to choose from after you graduate. 

"It seems like everyone's finding their way forward to a better future than they would've had without the Metaverse. Everyone except me. I still have to move back home when my probation is up, which means I'll go back to being the quiet, weird kid who is now also an ex-con. I can already hear them saying, 'Watch out, he's violent.' And I know you're the one person who knows how that feels… what it can do to a person. I just feel like I deserve  _ something  _ for all we've done. Something I can hold on to, even after I leave. Something that makes everything feel easier, that can give me the strength to make it through anything… Something like you."

Ryuji smiles, hoping the red light of Mementos helps camouflage the color flooding his face. "Akira, you know I'll always be here for you. You can call me anytime to vent about how dumb it is that you had to leave Tokyo, or- or just say the word and I'll take the train out there and scare some sense into anyone who's bothering you. Honestly, I've known since the day we met that nothin' in the whole damn world could ever make me stop bein' your friend."  _ And that includes a gigantic freakin' crush that I can never do anything about. _

Akira only looks more distressed after Ryuji finishes speaking. "That's awesome, Ryuji, and I really,  _ really _ appreciate it. But that's not exactly what I meant." Akira hesitates for a moment, then reaches out and takes Ryuji's hand, holding it in both of his. He briefly wishes they weren't wearing the gloves, longing for the electricity of their skin touching, but decides it's for the best since his sweaty palms can stay concealed.  _ There's no turning back now. _

"Recently, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my future. Not about goals or accomplishments, more about the little things. Things like cooking dinner and sitting down after a long day to unwind and enjoy someone else's company. How they'll laugh when I tell them about something funny that happened at work that day. How they'll surprise me with a hug while I'm washing the dishes, and we'll slow dance in our kitchen to music only we can hear. How I'll be able to fall asleep listening to their heartbeat every night. Ryuji, I know it's crazy but I- I want that person to be you."

The blond stands as still as a statue, staring at Akira's hands holding his. With the hardest part over, Akira can't stop the flood of words from bursting out of him. "Ryuji, you're the whole reason I ever became a Phantom Thief. I awoke my persona to save you, and ever since then, you've been the one who keeps me going. I've been scared enough to think we couldn't handle some fights, but when I look at you- when I see how much  _ you  _ believe in us, I can find a way to get us out safe. You know me better than anyone else ever has, or ever will, I'm sure of it. Just being with you, seeing you smile and hearing you laugh, makes me happier than I can even put into words. Anyway, that's why I've been weird this week. Because I… love you. And I know it's insane, and if- if you want to just act like I never said anything then we-"

Akira's brain takes a moment to catch up. His heart is pounding so hard that he's dizzy enough to fall over, but Ryuji's hand behind his neck is keeping him steady. He can't breathe, not with Ryuji's lips pressed firmly against his own. He can't move. He doesn't dare move, not even to open his eyes and make sure he hasn't completely lost his mind. He lets himself drown in that sweet moment he's spent so long wishing for as the warmth of Ryuji's lips becomes the only thing he's aware of.

When they finally separate, Akira forces himself to open his eyes and finds Ryuji's blush-warmed face still only a few inches from his. Ryuji looks so happy. Akira can't remember the last time he saw him grin like that. As soon as his gaze drifts to Ryuji's smile, he feels himself being pulled forward instinctively, magnetically, until their lips crash together again. This time, he's not frozen in place by the shock of it. No, this time, something about the way Ryuji's teeth graze against his lip makes his shyness instantly evaporate and for some reason he'd never be able to explain, Joker's need for flair takes over him. He wraps one arm around Ryuji's waist and the other behind his shoulders and, with zero warning, dips him so low that he's basically horizontal. Ryuji lets out a startled squeak and locks both his arms around Akira's shoulders. Akira laughs low in his throat without breaking the kiss. It's the most beautiful sound Ryuji's ever heard.

Ryuji has wondered his whole life what his first kiss would be like when it finally happened. He'd always pictured it happening at a train station. He used to think it would be with a cheerleader. He'd lean in and kiss her just as her train pulled up so she'd have to leave without saying anything to him afterwards, which would make sure that he was on her mind until the next time they spoke, or she'd miss the train, buying him a little more time with her. After the incident with his leg, he liked to think his first kiss would be with a waitress, most likely from another high school. After they had spent a couple weeks talking as much as they could while she bustled around the restaurant, he'd ask her out for a cup of coffee after her shift (and pray that he didn't actually have to order coffee). Train station, kiss, done. He'd probably never see her again, and that would be okay. Ryuji could never have guessed how his first kiss would actually play out. It's everything he ever wanted and  _ so  _ much more. Akira's strong, warm arms feel like the safest place in the whole world. Ryuji had always expected to be the one to provide that feeling for the other person, but  _ this_\- this he could get used to. Akira's right; he does deserve something for everything he's done as the leader of the Phantom Thieves, but the idea that he would pick Ryuji of all possible things will never stop being a complete surprise. He's filled head to toe with pure joy, content to let their lips brush over each other like the warm blue waves gently crashing on the hot Hawaiian sand over and over until the end of time.

By the time Akira's arms grow tired, their lips are all but numb. Akira raises Ryuji up slowly, waiting until they're both standing as steady as possible before he pulls away, panting, and leans his forehead against Ryuji's. 

"So," Ryuji whispers with a smile, "you love me, huh?"

"Yes. I love you, Ryuji. It's okay if you don't say it back, and I'll stop saying it if it makes you uncomfortable."

The blond turns even redder and sputters.  _ Uncomfortable?? _ "Well, what if I love you too? What if I've  _ always  _ loved you? What if I've loved you since I saw you hidin' from the rain that first day? I've always felt the same way about you, Akira. Nothin' changed for me. I just didn't wanna call it love cause how fuckin' sad would it be if I fell in love with my best friend who's light-years outta my league? So you better not ever stop sayin' it, cause I went too long thinkin' you'd never feel that way about me. And ‘specially now that you were my first kiss and everythin', I can't go back to bein' just your friend." 

Akira backs up enough to get a proper look at Ryuji's face, loosening their hug to do so.

_ Dammit, why do I always gotta take it too far?!  _ "I-I just mean it would be hard, but of course I'll still be your best friend when this ends. I mean,  _ if _ it ends. Well, I guess it's gotta end at some point. Unless it doesn't. Wait, are we dating now? Fuck, lemme start over-"

Ryuji is silenced by Akira's lips on his again. It's a simple, chaste kiss, but the way Akira holds him close reassures him that he hasn't ruined his chances just yet. When they separate, Akira darts forward and pecks a kiss onto Ryuji's nose, laughing at how startled and embarrassed he is. 

"We're dating if you want to be," Akira says calmly, doing his absolute best to sound like he's fine with either option.

Ryuji turns his face away, staring intently at the empty station while he thinks. "I get angry sometimes. Really angry, about nothing. Sometimes I can't snap out of it for days."

"I know, I've noticed that you can be distant for a couple days at a time. It's your right to have space when you need it. And if you ever want to talk to me about what you're thinking when you feel that way, I'd be honored to have a chance to help."

Darkness falls over Ryuji's features. "I… I already get jealous when you're hangin' out with other people. What if I just lose it one day and say some stupid shit to you and just- I dunno, ruin everything?"

"Ryuji, look at me." Saying it sweetly doesn't work, so Akira tries again with an edge of his Joker voice. "Look at me."

Ryuji obeys, his eyes swimming with tears. "I-I can't lose you, Akira… I shouldn't say this, but if this goes bad- like, if I fuck it up so bad that you and everybody else stop talkin' to me… I won't be able to see your faces around school every day. I won't be able to shut it out and pretend I don't care. It's really fucking exhausting to pretend you don't care what's happening to you." His voice breaks, and he has to take a moment to breathe before continuing. "When I met you, it was really hard. You don't know the kinda shit I was doin'. It's not that I was  _ trying _ to die, I just… really didn't care if I woke up the next day. So, when you showed up, it was the first time in a while that I  _ wanted _ to wake up the next mornin'. All of a sudden, I was excited to go to school. It was like the looks I got from everyone didn't matter anymore. I was just happy to be there, by your side. For the first time in a long time, I had a reason to be alive. But that's pretty fucked up, and I know that's too much to put on one person, so… maybe we shouldn't do this. You should be with someone who's as strong as you are. At least someone who has their shit together, y'know?"

Akira holds Ryuji's face in his hands, gently wiping away the falling tears with his thumbs. He looks into Ryuji's eyes,  _ really  _ looks at the boy in front of him, before slowly saying, "The person I'm with is perfect. I could take no for an answer if it was because you really didn’t want to be with me, but I won’t take no for an answer if it’s only because you think you’re not good enough, or that I can’t handle you having things you need to work through. Don’t you think I know you well enough to see what you’re doing? You deserve me, Ryuji, just as much as I deserve you. We deserve to be happy, together. And you’re _not_ going to scare me away. Not after everything we’ve been through. I saved your life once, and I’ll do it again every day if I have to. I promise. I love you.”

All Ryuji can do is hug Akira tight enough to press the memory of this moment into both of them forever. Akira; his best friend, his boyfriend, his partner in crime, his champion, his motivation, his indulgence, his aspiration, his home.

* * *

Ryuji falls asleep first that night with his nose buried in Akira's fluffy black curls. Each breath his boyfriend takes tickles his scalp so much that there's no way Akira can fall asleep, but it's a dream come true just to lay his head on Ryuji's chest, cuddled as close together as they can be, listening to his heartbeat.  _ Finally,  _ he thinks.  _ I finally did it. If I had realized I liked him sooner, maybe we could have had more time, but-  _ Ryuji snores. Akira simply smiles and nuzzles against his chest.  _ I wouldn't change this. Besides, we have a whole life ahead of us. It won't always be easy, but I know it will always be worth it. _

**Author's Note:**

> To everyone who made it down here, thank you SO much for reading. I never expected to get so much positive feedback about these (honestly I never expected any at all) so thank you so much for coming on this adventure with me. 
> 
> It has been an absolute blast writing these, and there may be an epilogue coming if I can’t move on just yet. 
> 
> One last time, thanks for reading, and I love you all <3


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